For many adopted adults, questions about the past can remain long after childhood. Accessing records, learning more about early experiences and understanding difficult family histories can provide answers that bring clarity, healing and self-acceptance.

Robbie shares her powerful story with us of loss, resilience and discovering the truth behind her adoption.

I wanted factual information, Robbie Leigh explains. “I wanted to make sense of memories and dreams I had and get confirmation about whether they were real or not.”

At 29 years old, Robbie is a wife, a mother to two young boys, and an adopted adult who has spent years making sense of her life story.

Robbie spent the first 18 months of her life living with her birth family. She was one of five children, with an older brother, two older sisters and a younger sister. When she entered foster care, she remained in contact with members of her birth family and experienced two foster placements before eventually being adopted at the age of four and a half alongside her younger sister.

While she remembers both foster homes fondly, there were always unanswered questions about her earliest years.

Asking Questions

“I have always had unexplained scars and wanted to know how I’d come to have these. When I was first adopted I felt okay to ask questions as my social worker encouraged this, but over time I almost felt as though I was upsetting people or being ungrateful for asking about others who were not caring for me.

“So to keep them happy wouldn’t ask anymore and would just think about it a lot, alone in my room.”

Without a full understanding of her history, Robbie created explanations that made sense to a child, hoping that one day her birth mother would return. The experience left her questioning her own worth until adulthood, when she realised the circumstances were never her fault.

“It took until adulthood to finally realise it was never a fault within me, it was my birth Mums’ own issue, I’ve always been worthy enough and needed to start to love myself not wait on someone else’s incapability…”

Although Robbie had few conscious memories of some of the most difficult experiences in her childhood, her body remembered, triggered by the environment and situations, demonstrating the lasting impact that early trauma can have.

“When I drive through tunnels on the Motorway I get terrible anxiety in my stomach and start breathing exactly how I did when I was a child going through the tunnels in the taxi with my social worker, on my way to live in a new home.

“Also arguments affect my nervous system I don’t cope well with conflict I cry easily and hide away.”

Meaningful Discoveries

One of the greatest losses Robbie experienced was being separated from three of her siblings. The memories remain vivid and highlight the lifelong significance of sibling relationships for adopted children.

“I think I would have benefited from video calls, telephone calls, even in person visits. I had a lot of concern and guilt and this would alleviated that.

“I kept trying to phone my brothers toy make phone to come and collect us now or do a secret whisper to him out of my bedroom window…”

“Life Journey work could have better educated me about the challenges my birth family  faced and how dangerous behaviour can become normalised, and how it’s therefore not safe for us all to remain together.”

Among the most meaningful discoveries in her adoption records were letters written by her birth father. Sadly, he died before Robbie had the opportunity to meet him. Through his letters she learned that he loved his children, regretted what they had experienced and wished them well.

“To have those letters and understanding of him gave me a lot of comfort. If I didn’t have them I wouldn’t have found out that he apologised for not being what we needed, and that he did love us deeply and wished us well.”

Reflecting on her experiences, Robbie believes honest, age-appropriate conversations are essential. Children need truthful information about their life story and realistic support to understand complex family circumstances.

“I would advise adoptive parents to share Life Journey information and to be very honest. Sometimes people may struggle to ever get better or to be a safe parent, and this may help to stop the false hope and fantasy that some adoptees can have,  better preparing for reality, and possible future realistic relationships with birth family for the benefit of all.”

If you have been affected by the issues covered in this story please reach out to our Adoption Support Team 💜